Peace and Joy, Camper.
With great humility, Your Uncle Jerry can now announce some fabulous, earth-shaking news. The votes have been tallied, and not only was our opponent wrong, not only were the polls wrong, but more importantly, Mrs. Jerry and all of Uncle Jerry’s in-laws were wrong. Right-thinking voters have spoken, and Your Uncle Jerry is now the new animal control officer of Dogpatch, UT.
They tell me it's important to say a few words of insincere thanks. First of all, we want to acknowledge our opponent in this race, Fang, the neighborhood Yorkshire Terrier. Fang’s great gift to this town was evident throughout the campaign. It was evident on doorsteps, on sidewalks, on fire hydrants, and embedded in the grass of Your Uncle Jerry’s lawn. Fang was persuasive to many voters, and he ran a good campaign. A campaign with bite.
We must say, however, that the report of an anonymous donation of a six-pack to Cousin Jerry in the Dogpatch County Clerk’s office is completely fake news, and was put out by Fang. And after that donation didn't happen, the movement of all voting hydrants to Cruella DeVille Park was an unfortunate coincidence. They tell me those hydrants were perfectly usable, and the Dalmatian caucus just needs to get over their paranoia. Anyway, Fang couldn't have lost more than 101 votes because of it. But we'll be looking into all this. Don't worry.
Secondly, Your Uncle Jerry has to thank young Campers everywhere—those Millennials that the pundits are so interested in. They have been fantastic. This election proves beyond a doubt that we politicians are right to ignore them. Yes, Millennial Campers might complain or march or tweet for change all year long.
And they are right to do so. This place is going to the dogs, and I mean that literally.
But when the opportunity comes to actually cause some change, a smart politician can always count on most of the Young Camper Voting Bloc not even to vote. They’re just whining, praise Loki. It’s a kid thing. Maybe they think blowing stuff up on their video games will make a difference. Maybe they believe Thor and Captain America are coming to save them. We don't know, and we're not telling them otherwise. But this year once again, they pulled through for the status quo: Were it not for most Millennials' adorable conviction that they shouldn’t have to arise from the sofa and vote for the change they tweet for so bitterly, Your Uncle Jerry would not be declaring victory today.
Well Camper, he may have lost, but Fang clearly inspired a large constituency, a noble and important constituency. As our first order of business, we’ll be locking them up, too.
Joy and Peace.