If nominated, I will not run.
If elected, I will not serve.
—Pogo, 1960, 1964, 1968, 1972, etc
Peace and joy, Camper, and welcome to Your Uncle Jerry’s temporary campaign headquarters.
As you would know if you’d been reading the news, young person, voters are once again calling for celebrities to run for public office. Oprah, Cynthia Nixon, Ted Nugent, others. Don Francisco.
And you can’t blame them for wishing. Who could forget the contributions of Hollywood giants like Sonny Bono, Fred Thompson, Jesse “The Body” Ventura, Clint Eastwood, and The Gipper? And right now, of course, the elephant in the room is actually in the Oval Office: a huge lesson (the biggest) in just how well a life of privilege prepares you to serve the needs of a nation.
So, in this time of uncertainty, fear, and loathing, the popular clamor is for more. More celebrities, that is. We’ve had enough of policy wonks, say the voters. Out with the principled thinkers, the high-minded earnest do-gooders. Give us charisma! We want pandering and titillation! Tell us, tell us what you think will confirm our biases!
Well, Camper, it had to happen. The populist wave of wisdom has washed up on this doorstep, and yes. Yes, Your Uncle Jerry is putting his hat in it.
Oh, I know. Personalities from TV and movies seem better prepared, and clearly a career as a professional poseur is the best experience for office. But don’t forget that writers too earn their chops by posturing and impostering. Think about it, what could be more ego-driven than creating an entire fictional world, populating it with creatures made in one’s own image, and putting words in their mouths? True, writers often say “fiction is a lie that tells a truth,” and Uncle Jerry would say the same thing if it served his purpose. But let’s don’t take that too seriously, Camper. The true post-truth is that writers can prevaricate with the best of politicians—and we mean it. Trust me on this. Your Uncle Jerry himself is totally made up.
Now, I can hear you asking, “Well then, what’s your policy platform, Uncle? What are your issues?” Wrong question. What is my bumper sticker?—that’s what you want to know. Uncle Jerry’s campaign slogan will be the greatest slogan you’ve ever seen. It will be brilliant. We’ll have it on bumpers, buttons, stickers, hats, and yard signs all over the country. We’re going to release it soon, and you’re going to love it.
Joy and peace.