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No Collision

Updated: Sep 4, 2018


Join the John Birch Society. Help us fill the ranks!

To get this movement started, we need lots of tools and cranks.

— Chad Mitchell Trio

Peace and Joy.

Your Uncle Jerry loves a good conspiracy theory. Always has. Ever since the nice Christian family in the Deep Forest of Alaska adopted him, Uncle Jerry has been captivated by theories of what could have happened to his real parents. Obviously, they were trying to protect him, but why? Who was chasing him? Who saw in baby Uncle Jerry a chance to compromise an entire government and ensure a permanent majority? And what shadowy figures finally caught up to his parents so that they never returned for him?

These questions kept Uncle Jerry awake at nights and shivering in his childhood rags, and they still haunt him today.

You may not be aware of this, Camper, but the conspiracy theory is the egalitarian backbone of democracy. Without, for example, the several conspiracies uncovered by Your Uncle Jerry during his second year in the seventh grade, his friend Billy Ritchey’s campaign for student body treasurer might have ended much differently, and Uncle Jerry might not be the king-maker that he is today.

Billy’s opponent in that rigged election, Crooked Karli Fitch, was polling up in the mid-60s until word leaked of her unexplained connections to high-placed members of the eighth-grade algebra mafia, and the fact that she wasn't actually born in Alaska.

“Isn’t it interesting,” Your Uncle Jerry tweeted, “that eighth graders should be covering for an obviously fake birth certificate?" And later, "A lot of people are asking why those who pull the strings in the math cartel should be taking sides in an election for treasurer. Sad.”

It was only a coincidence that Karli's poll numbers kind of skyrocketed after this. Her campaign put out the rumor that we had shot ourselves in the foot (which by the way is not a metaphor in Alaska), but I ask you: Just imagine her numbers if word of the math conspiracy had NOT leaked.

[That reminds me. We need to look at who was counting the votes! Could it be math students? If true, this could annul the whole junior high election of 1967.]

But Uncle Jerry, you ask, isn’t a conspiracy theory simply a concatenation of unfounded and inflammatory non-sequiturs? Absolutely not, Camper, and by the way when did you sell your soul to the academic dark side? Can you prove these inflammatory non-sequiturs are unfounded? You have your data; I have mine. And therein lies both the sublime beauty of the conspiracy theory and its societal usefulness.

The fundamental duty of every god-fearing voter is to be as inflammatory and unfounded as possible (and remember, it was the gods themselves who invented both flames and paranoia).


Think about it, Camper. Delusion is the fuel of voter engagement. We want voters to be fired up, don’t we? Or maybe you prefer the radical Icelandic absence of flag pins and the violent taking-a-knee that we see in the streets whenever Ann Coulter speaks on a college campus. Thank God (and I mean the Big One) that millennials are the least likely demographic to actually vote. They're busy, you know. They tweet. (President Obama: Don't get mad. Tweet!)

No, Camper, there is nothing like a heightened paranoia and a simmering aggrievedness to bring out the vote, and nothing heightens paranoia like a good conspiracy theory. Feeding a false sense of persecution is the only way to truly unite the country against the real enemy—Fang the Yorkshire Terrier (see previous posting).

That being said, all right-thinking voters must reject and condemn the outrageous fake news now being spread by Uncle Jerry’s opponent for local office—Fang (aka neighborhood poop terrorist)—the fake and dangerous lies regarding Uncle Jerry’s alleged connection to the establishment known as Southern X-Poseur.

Let us be clear: Your Uncle Jerry has neither met nor paid off Dr. Candy Galore PhD, rhetorician and proprietor of Southern X-Poseur, who is a lovely person, a fine citizen, and a very savvy business woman. Very smart, very friendly, we hear, and easy on the eyes if you know what I'm saying. But no collision as alleged by Fang to prop up his failing campaign occurred. No collision. Did not happen.

Nor is Uncle Jerry any relation to either Misti Falorum or Chablis Sprawl, who only by coincidence both happen to work at Southern X-Poseur. And who are falsely said by the Failing Fairbanks Times to have signed non-disclosure agreements about relations with Uncle Jerry that never happened. And if they did happen, they would not have been illegal in Nevada, which is where the nothing occurred. It's simple. No collision. Nothing to see here.

Anyway, these stories are not proper conspiracy theories, my friend. These do not support democracy or this campaign. These are sad, unfounded gossip and inflammatory fake rumors. And they are promoted by Fang, a known Terrier, and they originated, sources tell us, with one Mr. Billy Ritchey, who is both the owner of the Failing Fairbanks Times and a secret Alaskan operative with whom Uncle Jerry has never had any prior contact. This Alaskan witch hunt, believe me, will go very very badly for Flatulent Fang and for the FFT. Bigly badly. No collision.

Joy and Peace.

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