The so-called leaks coming out of the White House are a massive over-exaggeration put out by the Fake News Media in order to make us look as bad as possible. With that being said, leakers are traitors and cowards, and we will find out who they are!
—Unnamed Very Stable Genius
Close to the President
Joy and peace, Camper.
Your Uncle Jerry has noticed recently that some young persons are being pursued by The Authorities for having leaked certain documents to the public. These documents were embarrassing to The Authorities, so naturally they wanted to keep those documents stopped up.
At his age, Uncle Jerry is opposed to leakage of any kind.
If the documents had dribbled out over a long period of time, they might have gone undetected—at least in crowded places. But the leak in this case was more like a gush, and it got noticed right away.
Worse, the crew that had the accident is called “Wikileaks.” How silly is that? Why not just wear a tee-shirt that says “That One’s on Me” or “Oops: My Bad”? Much better to have a name that conceals your problem. Like “Information Plumbing Solutions.”
Think about it, Camper. Let’s imagine the president wants advice from your think tank because he admires your hysterical fear of gay campers or your visceral hatred for people who don’t have white skin. Don’t telegraph your meeting to the press by naming your group Red Neck Posse. Or let’s say he calls you for a Bible quote about people who don’t believe in the Second Coming. The media are watching for names like Torch-Bearing Hate Mongers for Jesus.
Instead, think of friendly, inviting names. Call yourselves Freedom Fiesta, or The Tea Party. That sounds both patriotic and festive—plus, at a party, a certain number of leaks are excusable. Or try “Factual Unbiased Consortium of Knowledgeable Sources.” Journalists would never expect him to consult with such a group.
Whatever. It’s very important to remember that Authorities don’t have a sense of humor about leakage—their own or anyone else’s. That’s why they’re called Authorities.
Which brings us to: Your Uncle Jerry’s Rules of Leakage:
Cross your knees whenever speaking to a journalist.
If an old person has borrowed your laptop, check the keyboard and use a hair-dryer if necessary before powering up.
If you think you may need to leak about a meeting, always sit next to someone you can blame.
A leak isn’t a leak when it’s an information stream.
Peace and joy.